An Unlikely Antidote to Perfectionism
by Holly Mandel
In a recent workshop with a team of all women, we had the chance to share our expertise about the paralyzing effects of perfectionism. Just about everyone can relate to the need and sometimes compulsion for everything they say and do be perfect. And while most people would say they struggle with wanting to get everything 'right', women have a deeper emotional and historic relationship with it.
Not too long ago, women's value was based on a very narrow set of "rules and roles". That's how all culture is created -- defining should's, shouldn'ts, do's and don'ts. Who is allowed access to what, and what the ideals were that everyone should strive for. They are often easier to see in the rearview mirror --
In the 1800's if a man felt insulted, he was expected to ask for a duel to settle the matter. 100 years ago women were never seen without gloves and a hat when going outside. Up until the 1950s, it wasn't acceptable for couples to live together until they were married.
We know these things and yet sometimes we forget the depth of some of the gender-based rules which we still may each be carrying to different degrees based on background and upbringing.
However, women have had an additional 'should' placed upon them for a very, very long time. For many, many reasons women's worth and ranking were dependent on traits that included being pleasing, perfect, and supportive. While the world has evolved, some of these traits still echo both in culture and within women. So it's no surprise that we have a harder time letting go of the need to be perfect.
In fact, when you get right down to it, our survival and safety are unconsciously linked to being seen as perfect. Perfect meant we were accepted, rewarded and protected. And we all know what happened when anyone -- but especially women -- weren't pleasing and obedient. Cut to 2025 and although it may not be quite as dire as it once was, we are not that far away on the timeline from when we were a big mistake or two away from some scary stuff.
For a lot of us, our only power laid in our ability to be picked, selected from the others by those with means and power. And we were picked based on our perfection.
Read a Jane Austen novel or any magazine geared at women and you'll see the message loud and clear. Maybe that's why so many women can relate to the phrase PERFECTIONIST SYNDROME or have a hard time trusting their work will be "good enough". There are stats galore to support this -- one being that men will apply for a job if he has roughly 40-45% of the qualifications, whereas women will only apply if they feel they have 92-98% of them. A snapshot of the mentality that perfectionism can lead to.
Luckily, there's at least one antidote! It came in an unlikely form but as soon as I stumbled upon it, I knew there was a way out. And it happens to come in the form of improv. In improv, you experience the freedom from 'right and wrong' because there are no mistakes. This space awakens a fearless, bold part of every woman, free of the concerns and crippling worry that perfectionism can trigger.
Women also must connect directly to their gut, their intuition and their own instincts free of concern of it being accepted, right, nice, popular, and so on. The only GPS system anyone has in improv is this deeper, authentic knowing. Once we are in touch with it and trusting it, we can begin to discern what WE prefer, want, like, dislike and what culture is telling us to. Things like "getting everything perfect" get some space and begin to loosen it's grip. The paralysis fades and the feeling of freely choosing how to show up and work gets stronger.
Best of all, it's a super-fun way to do it! The session was a big success and we were delighted to see improv triumph yet again! If you're interested in how improv can unlock the authentic, confident part of you, you can read more here: https://www.imergenceusa.com/good-girls-arent-ceos